March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem: Sweet Sixteen

19 Mar

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This is when the shit gets real, y’all!  Only sixteen remain.  The unworthy mascots have been weeded out and the strong meander their way trough the fallen en route to a potential championship.  The rules:

  • Indeterminable mascots lose.  Mission accomplished.  COLORS AREN’T MASCOTS.
  • Death battles occur on the home turf of the higher seeded mascot.  Important, this is.
  • Identical mascot battles go to the higher seeded mascot, with little exception.
  • Stalemates or deadlocks leave the higher seeded mascot victorious.
  • You do not talk about March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem.
  • You DO NOT talk about March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem.

South Region

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1 Florida Gators vs. 4 UCLA Bruins

The Gator’s belly is getting pretty full, as it has already fed upon Great Dane and Buffalo earlier in the tournament.  This matters not.  This showdown takes place in the swamps: muddy, stinky, grassy deathtraps.  Last time I checked, you don’t normally see Gentle Ben chillin’ to the max in the Everglades.  The Gator can lie in wait, let his previous victories digest, and take out the Bruin when the time is right.  Not that the Bruin wouldn’t put up a fight.  I would love to watch a SyFy Original Movie where irradiated versions of these beasts throw it down.

WINNER: Gator

7 New Mexico Lobos vs. 14 Western Michigan Broncos

This one was tough.  I thought about it from two perspectives.  Lone wolf vs. lone horse and pack of wolves vs. herd of horses.  I think the pack of wolves, due to their excellent hunting techniques and stalking abilities, would be able to take out the herd one by one.  Alone, I think the Bronco would have a decent chance to beat the Lobo.  It could stomp the wolf out and outrun it.  In the end, though, the Lobo is a predator.  While the Bronco would be looking to defend and outmaneuver, the Lobo is looking to kill, maim, and devour.  I think the killer spirit of the Lobo gives it the slightest edge, which is all that is really needed in the game we call life.

WINNER: Lobo

East Region

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1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. 4 Michigan State Spartans

WINNER: Begrudgingly, Cavalier

3 Iowa State Bird Tornados vs. 15 Milwaukee Panthers

I recommend someone change their mascot to the Sharknado next year.  Unbeatable.

You done, son!

You done, son!

WINNER: Bird Tornado

West Region

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9 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. 4 San Diego State Aztecs

A battle older than time.  Cowboys and, for lack of a better term, Indians.  The geography of central Mexico, the home court of the Aztec, does not seem distinctly unfamiliar to a Cowboy from Oklahoma.  With no stellar advantage, the Aztec is left to fend against the pistols of Pete with a meager spear and little to no armor.  Unless the Aztec can take the Cowboy out with a single spear throw (or maybe blow darts?), the guns give Pistol Pete a clear leg up.

WINNER: Cowboy

2 Wisconsin Badgers vs. 6 Baylor Bears

As entertaining as this video is, it offers no insight as to who actually wins this fight.  I’m fairly certain, as feisty as the Badger is, that it would have little chance to ultimately kill the Bear.  The Bear is just too mighty a force for the smaller creature to overcome.

WINNER: Bear

Midwest Region

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1 Wichita State Wheat Monsters vs. 4 Louisville Cardinals

The Cardinal will be a minor distraction to the seemingly unstoppable Wheat Monster.  It’s only strategy will be to flutter around the monster’s head and peck at his seedy wheat mop top.  It reminds me of a similar situation in the life of another monster that left massive destruction in its wake: King Kong.  You are probably thinking, “but Chase, King Kong dies at the end of that old, boring movie.”  He does indeed.  However, King Kong did not die as a result of the airplane attacks from above.  He fell off the Empire State Building.  Last time I checked, Wichita (the site of this encounter) has little to no Empire State Buildings.

WINNER: Wheat Monster

3 Duke Blue Devils vs. 10 Arizona State Sun Devils

The Devil Duel.  Rule 2 unfortunately gives the Blue Devil no aid here.  Being Devils, they are both from Hell.  Rule 3 does nothing either, since Arizona State was wise enough to distinguish their Sun Devil from the average, run-of-the-mill devil.  The two foes will have to rely solely on their abilities.  The Sun Devil, able to harness the power of the sun, against the Blue Devil, able to control all aspects of… uh-oh.

WINNER: Sun Devil

There we have it!  The Elite Eight is set.

>>Continue to the Elite Eight and Beyond

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