March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem: Elite Eight and Beyond

19 Mar

FinalFour

Here it is, folks.  If you’re reading this, you should already know the rules and that I am always right.  Without further ado…

1 Florida Gators vs. 7 New Mexico Lobos

Rule 2 = Swamp

In conducting my research, I have seen footage of Gators and/or crocodiles killing buffalo, deer, and various sorts of predatory cats.  I give the wolf full credit on its hunting abilities, but he isn’t the hunter here.  HE’S BEING WATCHED, SON!  The Master of the Marsh, the Sultan of the Swamp, the Gator, is watching his every move as he slowly makes his way through the muddy sinkholes and canals.  He’s coming for you!  CHOMP CHOMP

WINNER: Gator

1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. 3 Iowa State Bird Tornados

Oh, Bird Tornados.  You have consistently proven yourself as a formidable foe and toppled multiple opponents on your path to this moment of truth.  But that damn Robert Klemko just can’t see your beauty like I can:

WINNER: Robert Klemko and Cavalier

9 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. 6 Baylor Bears

WINNER: Cowboy

1 Wichita State Wheat Monsters vs. 10 Arizona State Sun Devils

Rule 2 = Wichita, KS

Kansas and much of the midwest has had a rough time lately.  They’ve been plagued by a ruthless drought.  That drought has affected everything from the amount of water people can use, the frequency of wildfires, and the health of crops.  Crops including wheat.  Crops including the wheat that bastard Wheat Monster is made of.  Everything is dry in Kansas, including those hearty grains that have wreaked havoc throughout the Midwest Region.  All this dude needs is a simple ignition and he’ll light up like the Fourth of July.  If only we knew someone who could… HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN!!!  BURN, WHEAT MONSTER!!!

WINNER: Sun Devil

FINAL FOUR

1 Florida Gators vs. 1 Virginia Cavaliers

Since the Gator is the top overall seed in this tournament, we doin’ this thing in the swamp, my man!  I don’t know how familiar any of you are with swamps, but one shan’t be fitting a damn pirate ship up in this piece.  That means the Cavalier will have to venture out on foot, where he is just a man in the swamp with an alligator…and a sword.  This is Peter Pan, yo.  This shit was decided ages ago.

WINNER: Gator

9 Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. 10 Arizona State Sun Devils

This battle takes place in our earthly realm rather than Hell.  The Sun Devil, harnessing the power of the sun, beats down on the Cowboy with harsh UV rays.  This does not phase the Cowboy, for he is used to riding the plains in the hot Oklahoma climate.  The Sun Devil decides to use his devil voodoo instead.  Our Cowboy, being the God-fearing man that he is, remains steadfast against the Sun Devil’s temptation.  The Sun Devil got caught slippin’!  He has ventured out of Hell and is susceptible to the power of the OMNIPOTENT, OMNIPRESENT, ALMIGHTY LORD!  Guess what, Sun Devil?  Now you a serpent and you get shot by Pistol Pete.

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WINNER: Cowboy

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

1 Florida Gators vs. 9 Oklahoma State Cowboys

I guess I failed to mention something earlier about our Oklahoma State Cowboy.  It’s none other than T. Boone Pickens!

t-boone-pickens-wind-turbineWhen faced with the prospect of battling it out one-on-one in a swamp with a Florida Gator, T. Boone chooses instead to ring up his personal helicopter pilot to get him out of this hellhole.  He then promptly purchases the Gator’s swampland and turns it into one of his profitable, cutting-edge wind farms.  With the impending destruction of his home, the Gator flees to a nearby neighborhood where he is apprehended by Animal Control and put into captivity.  The conditions in zoos around our country are awful.  The Gator is exposed to taunting children and deteriorating artificial environments.  The Gator, fed up with the circumstances he has found himself in, attacks a zookeeper.  While he only wounds the worker, zoo officials determine that the Gator is too dangerous for captivity and is euthanized.

2014 March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem Champion:

Oklahoma State Cowboy

Thank you all for joining me on this journey.  Let’s do this again in the future.

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