March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem: Round of 64

18 Mar

ImageIt is that time of the year again, folks.  It is time to throw aside any logic and research and fill out your March Madness bracket like a man. Fill it out using the only method that makes sense in this world: which mascot would win in a real life battle to the death?  In the interest of time, I will assume you are not a terrible person and you are aware of the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  I must stress that this analysis is very subjective.  Let’s do this thing.

First off, there are a few rules:

  • Teams with fucking stupid indeterminable mascots lose.  Period.
  • Fights to the death will occur on the home turf of the higher seeded mascot.  THIS WILL MATTER.
  • Battles between identical mascots go to the higher seeded mascot.
  • Stalemates will go to the higher seeded mascot.

South Region

Two_american_alligators

1 Florida Gators vs. 16 Albany Great Danes/Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers

Our first matchup pits a Florida Gator against either a dog or a hillbilly, depending on the result of the play-in game.  I’m not even going to discuss why the Great Dane stands no chance.  Some might think that the Mountaineer can surely put up a fight against a Gator, but remember the second rule.  This is not a Gator being lured into the mountains where the hillbilly can safely take it out, this is a man in a swamp with an alligator.

WINNER: Gator

8 Colorado Buffaloes vs. 9 Pittsburgh Panthers

These two foes rarely find themselves at odds in the wild.  I have found no documented killings by either animal of its opponent.  My first instinct was to give the victory to the Panther, a predator, over the Buffalo, a weak-ass vegetarian.  But then I expanded my research parameters and discovered this:

WINNER: Buffalo

5 VCU Rams vs. 12 SFA Lumberjacks

Classic Rule 2 matchup.  Rams are at home on mountainsides and rocky slopes.  If the Lumberjack tries to axe the Ram up in his zone, the Ram is just going to headbutt his ass right off the mountain.  Get real, Lumberjack.

WINNER: Ram

4 UCLA Bruins (it’s a bear) vs. 13 Tulsa Golden Hurricane

Tulsa’s mascot is weather.  What the hell?  They might as well be the Tulsa Golden Showers.  Last time I checked, hurricanes don’t just up and kill all the bears.  The bear just needs to chill in his pimp cave and wait the hurricane out.

WINNER: Bruin

6 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. 11 Dayton Flyers

RULE 1 VIOLATION ALERT: What the hell is a Flyer?  Is Dayton’s mascot a piece of paper that some bible thumper hands me on campus?  Is it a pilot of an airplane?  Do I care enough to actually find out?  I do not, plus Buckeyes are supposedly really hard to break and stuff.

WINNER: Buckeye

3 Syracuse Orange (ugh…) vs. 14 Western Michigan Broncos

ORANGE?!  It’s a damn color!  Get the hell out of here, Syracuse.  Bronco wins by way of Rule 1.

Do not come at me with that “Orangemen” shit.  It’s not their name anymore.  They are now a color.

WINNER: Bronco

7 New Mexico Lobos (wolf) vs. 10 Stanford Cardinal (dammit…)

The South Region is just loaded with assholes trying to pass off stupid stuff as mascots.  Lobo, wolf, badass.  Cardinal is a reference to, wait for it, A COLOR!  If that wasn’t enough, Stanford technically doesn’t even have an official mascot.  They do, however, have some idiot that runs around dressed like a drunk tree.

WINNER: Lobo

2 Kansas Jayhawks vs. Eastern Kentucky Colonels

After running off some lame mascots in the past three match ups, I was trigger happy and almost railed off on the Jayhawk.  I’m giving it a chance, though.  It is a cartoon bird that does not actually exist.  It also wears shoes for some reason.  The well-trained military officer wipes the floor with the aviary phony and it wasn’t even close.

WINNER: Colonel

East Region

3rd_Chevrolet_Cavalier

1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. 16 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers

A Cavalier is like a pirate or something.  It’s a pretty clutch mascot.  They have ships and guns and opposable thumbs; a formidable opponent.  The Chanticleer is a rooster from the damn Canterbury Tales (and Rock-A-Doodle)!  BOOOOOO!!!  Chaucer didn’t play round ball, Coastal Carolina.

WINNER: Cavalier

8 Memphis Tigers vs. 9 George Washington Colonials

I picture a Colonial as a white dude that landed on the shore to steal the natives’ land.  I picture a Tiger as a blood-crazed predator that stalks its prey with the skills of a ninja.  Manifest destiny has nothing on the ripping and the tearing that the Tiger is bringing to the table.

WINNER: Tiger

5 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. 12 Harvard Crimson (sonofa…)

The Bearcat has a special place in my heart, due to it being the mascot of two different schools I have attended.  Luckily, I did not have to apply any bias to this battle because their opponent is A DAMN COLOR.  You would think Harvard would be smart enough to think of a cool mascot.  I mean, pick one of those off-the-wall animals that no one thinks of.  Take a platypus, for example.  Unassuming at first glance, the platypus has poisonous spurs on its rear feet.  It is amphibious and has a tail it can use as a weapon.  A platypus would have upset the Bearcat!  Stupid smart people.

WINNER: Bearcat

4 Michigan State Spartans vs. 13 Delaware Blue Hens

Is the outcome even in question?FCJG300-0098

WINNER: Spartan

6 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. 11 Providence Friars

I first thought that a Tar Heel was like a tar pit or something.  A Friar is a fat priest from Robin Hood.  I figured the fat priest would fall into the tar pit, get stuck, and die.  I found out later that Tar Heel is a term referring to the Carolinians that fought in the Civil War, or something in that vein.  A soldier with a gun quickly takes down a Friar.  What’s up with the hairdo Friars rock, anyway?  It looks weird.

WINNER: Tar Heel

3 Iowa State Cyclones vs. 14 North Carolina Central Eagles

Cyclones.  Initially, I had flashbacks to Tulsa and their dumb weather mascot.  However, I noticed that the Iowa State Cyclone has something unique about it.  It’s a TORNADO FILLED WITH BIRDS.  An eagle would take out a redbird easily, but a swirling vortex filled with redbirds?! I don’t think so.  Bird Tornado tramples the competition.

WINNER: Bird Tornado

7 Connecticut Huskies vs. 10 St. Joseph’s Hawks

This one was a little tough.  I don’t see this being a very bloody battle.  It will be a war of attrition.  The Hawk controls the air and the Husky controls the ground.  I think the Hawk could dive bomb the Husky and slowly wear it down, but the first time the Husky catches the Hawk slipping, it’s game over.  At the 10 seed, there’s no way a St. Joe’s Hawk has perfect accuracy with its dive bombs.

WINNER: Husky

2 Villanova Wildcats vs. 15 Milwaukee Panthers

I guess a Wildcat is like a bobcat or something.  I know what a Panther is.  It is another name for a cougar or a mountain lion.  A mountain lion killed one of the dogs in Where the Red Fern Grows and they are the most cold and heartless beasts on earth.  The Wildcat doesn’t stand a chance.  Plus, look at how cute it is.  The Panther haunts your nightmares on its way to the next round.

WINNER: Panther

West Region

3035460-animation

1 Arizona Wildcats vs. 16 Weber State Wildcats

Wildcat-on-Wildcat massacre.  Under Rule 3, the Arizona Wildcat takes this one.  Besides, the Weber State Wildcat of Utah would have difficulty toughing it out in the harsh deserts of Arizona.  The Wildcat (Arizona) out-wildcats onto the next round.

WINNER: Wildcat (Arizona)

8 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. 9 Oklahoma State Cowboys

Sorry, Old Yeller, Pistol Pete has a couple of pistols strapped to his waist.  The Cowboy rides on.

WINNER: Cowboy

5 Oklahoma Sooners vs. 12 North Dakota State Bison

I know what a Sooner is.  IT’S A CHEATER.  A person who jumped the gun and left too soon when the big land grab out west began.  They moved out to the plains and raped the land for the resources they needed.  They probably killed Bison, too.  Unfortunately, the disgusting and shameful Sooner gains the victory.

WINNER: Sooner

4 San Diego State Aztecs vs. 13 New Mexico State Aggies

An Aggie is basically a farmer.  The Aztecs were a race of warriors that lived in central Mexico.  They were pretty badass.  The pitchfork of the Aggie is no match for the accurate spear-throwing of the Aztecs.  They may be an extinct culture, but they secure the win.

WINNER: Aztec

6 Baylor Bears vs. 11 Nebraska Cornhuskers

This vs. This.  Let’s move on.

WINNER: Bear

3 Creighton Bluejays vs. 14 Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

I’m not terribly familiar with how ferocious a Bluejay is, but I don’t think it’s any match for Ragin’ Cajun ingenuity.  They would rig up some crazy trap made of chicken bones and gator teeth and take out the Bluejay.

WINNER: Ragin’ Cajun

7 Oregon Ducks vs. 10 BYU Cougars

Let’s be realistic.

WINNER: Cougar

2 Wisconsin vs. 15 American Eagles

This falls under the same logic as the Husky/Hawk battle in the East Region.  The Eagle could swoop down and try to slowly pick apart the Badger, but as we know:

WINNER: Badger

Midwest Region

aj-hawk-flashes-shocker-after-sack

1 Wichita State Shockers vs. 16 Cal Poly Mustangs/Texas Southern Tigers

A Mustang and a Tiger are pretty worthy foes in a battle to the death.  Mustangs are wild and fast with a deadly back kick.  Tigers are bloodthirsty murderers (see Memphis Tigers).  However, according to Wichita State, a Shocker is a nightmarish, anthropomorphic wheat monster from another dimension.  Until we know more about this alien species, I would beware.

WINNER: Wheat Monster

8 Kentucky Wildcats vs. 9 Kansas State Wildcats

Rule 3 strikes again!

WINNER: Wildcat (Kentucky)

5 Saint Louis Billikens vs. 12 North Carolina State Wolfpack/Xavier Musketeers

The Billiken is basically a Troll doll, so the real battle is between the play-in teams.  There are only three Musketeers, but there’s no telling how many wolves we’re talking about.  Put your swords up, boys.

WINNER: Wolfpack

4 Louisville Cardinals vs. 13 Manhattan Jaspers

Jasper?

WINNER: Cardinal

6 UMass Minutemen vs. 11 Iowa Hawkeyes/Tennessee Volunteers

The eye of a hawk is not going to win any battles.  Minutemen and Volunteers are basically the same.  The name Minutemen implies some sort of training, while Volunteers would have little to none.

WINNER: Minutemen

3 Duke Blue Devils vs. 14 Mercer Bears

Bears are pretty gangster, as I’ve discussed before.  But Duke’s got the damn Devil on their side.  His powers could be limitless.  He’s got a pitchfork.  They would also have to battle in hell.

WINNER: Blue Devil

7 Texas Longhorns vs. 10 Arizona State Sun Devils

Another Devil?  This one has harnessed the power of the sun.  The other is a cow.

WINNER: Sun Devil

2 Michigan Wolverines vs. 15 Wofford Terriers

Hahaha, cute.

wolverine-20594

WINNER: Wolverine

So there you have it.  The Round of 64 is complete and the picks are in.  Feel free to leave a comment about how awesome and right I am or let me know how amazed you are with the scientific value this post possesses.  I might even decide to do the rest of the tournament, who knows?

Holla back.

>>Continue to the Round of 32

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