March Madness Mascot Murder Mayhem: Round of 32

18 Mar

MascotTeamPhotolg

Welcome to the next round of the mascot battle royal.  I will assume you are already familiar with how this works, but I will refresh your memory on the few rules in this competition:

  • Indeterminable mascots lose.  No exceptions.
  • The battle to the death takes place on the home turf of the higher seeded mascot.
  • Battles between identical mascots will be won by the higher seeded mascot.
  • Deadlocks will go to the higher seeded mascot.
  • I am always right and your opinion does not matter in this very subjective analysis.
  • You can’t triple stamp a double stamp.

South Region

Gator showing teeth1 Florida Gators vs. 8 Colorado Buffaloes

WINNER: Gator

4 UCLA Bruins vs. 5 VCU Rams

The Ram had a strategic advantage in the first round against the Lumberjack, but lacks that leg up in the second round.  The Bruin is the king of the forest, and I can’t see any possible outcome other than a mutton chow down.  The horns would help, but papa bear would whip that ass.

WINNER: Bruin

6 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. 14 Western Michigan Broncos

Alright, so Buckeyes are hard to break, but I bet a big ass horse could stomp it out.  Maybe, given the time, the Buckeye would have grown into a powerful tree that the Bronco couldn’t handle.  This tournament is not for the meek.

WINNER: Bronco

7 New Mexico Lobos vs. 15 Eastern Kentucky Colonels

A Colonel, while a highly trained military officer, is not generally strapped to the teeth with artillery.  He might have a pistol.  However, have you seen The Grey?  Those dudes had guns and they got pieced up by the wolves.  Only Liam Neeson was a match for those crazed beasts and the Colonel is no Liam Neeson.

WINNER: Liam Nees… Lobo

East Region

193-100-J1 Virginia Cavaliers vs. 8 Memphis Tigers

Rule 2 dictates that this battle take place on the high seas.  Even if the Tiger had a boat with cannons, like the Cavalier, he couldn’t operate anything.  He’s got PAWS!  Sucks to be you, Tiger.

WINNER: Cavalier

4 Michigan State Spartans vs. 5 Cincinnati Bearcats

FCJG300-0098WINNER: Spartan

3 Iowa State Bird Tornados vs. 6 North Carolina Tar Heels

If I’m being honest, I’m kind of partial to the Bird Tornado mascot.  It’s great.  I like to remain impartial*, though, and I played this battle out. The Tar Heel, a Carolina Civil War soldier, could maybe take out one of the birds hurtling all around him.  However, when he goes to reload his powder rifle or flintlock pistol, the Bird Tornado takes advantage of its distracted opponent and the darkness overcomes the Tar Heel.

WINNER: Bird Tornado

*I don’t like to remain impartial.

7 Connecticut Huskies vs. 15 Milwaukee Panthers

Playing against any other opponent, the Husky may have had the upper hand.  This is a Panther/Puma/Cougar/Mountain Lion, though.  They can handle the cold climate that the Husky thrives in.  Also taken into account is that a Husky is just a domesticated dog.  It isn’t ready to die for its cause.  It just wants a treat.  The Panther will take you out to advance the Way of the Panther.  The Husky doesn’t know the struggle.

WINNER: Panther

West Region

Goldie-Hawn-Warner-Bros.-pictures

1 Arizona Wildcats vs. 9 Oklahoma State Cowboys

Bulldog, Wildcat, whatever.  Pistol Pete is going to drop that varmint from twenty yards away.  There ain’t no way the Wildcat is taking a piece out of Pete’s behind!  Yeehaw!

WINNER: Cowboy

4 San Diego State Aztecs vs. 5 Oklahoma Sooners

Your cheating ways end here, Sooners.  The Aztec take offense to you stealing Native American land and pillaging their villages.  It’s time to reap what you sow.  Better circle the wagons.

WINNER: Aztec

6 Baylor Bears vs. 14 Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

You know how now and then there is a news report about some dumbass that ventures into the woods and gets eaten by a Bear?  That’s what will happen here.  You can’t kill a Bear with an Abita bottle, Cajuns.

WINNER: Bear

2 Wisconsin Badgers vs. 10 BYU Cougars

WINNER: Badger

Midwest Region

Shocker

1 Wichita State Wheat Monsters vs. 8 Kentucky Wildcats

***ALERT***: WHEAT MONSTER CAUSING MAYHEM THROUGHOUT MIDWESTERN UNITED STATES… REMAIN INDOORS… FIND ACCESS TO BUNKER… EARLY THEORIES CLAIM WHEAT MONSTER FEEDS ON SOULS OF CHILDREN… LURE CHILDREN OUTDOORS AND LOCK HOUSE BEHIND THEM… WILDCATS STAND NO CHANCE…

WINNER: Wheat Monster

4 Louisville Cardinals vs. 12 North Carolina State Wolfpack/Xavier Musketeers

This is Rule 2 heavy showdown.  A Cardinal, being the bird that is, gets his rocks off being in trees and such.  Regardless of which mascot comes out on top between the Wolfpack and the Musketeers, they will fail to kill off the Cardinal in its zone.  Both will attempt, but in the end fall, possibly to their deaths.  This will either result in a Cardinal win or a stalemate, which still equates to a Cardinal win.  Rules is rules.

WINNER: Cardinal

3 Duke Blue Devils vs. 6 UMass Minutemen

487vWINNER: Blue Devil

2 Michigan Wolverines vs. 10 Arizona State Sun Devils

320582854WINNER: Sun Devil

Onto the Sweet Sixteen!  Feel free to comment and tell me how great my picks are.  Also, share this joint with your peoples.

>>Continue to the Sweet Sixteen

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