2011 NBA Finals: The Players

1 Jun

I know that for most of you, my personal blog is your primary source for news in the world of sports.  I know some of you might have been tuning in to watch hockey for the past month and are just now catching up on the happenings in the NBA.  The Dallas Mavericks are taking on the Miami Heat in the finals.  Just so we’re all on the same page, let me give you a quick rundown of the key players in this series.

LeBron James

If you don’t know LeBron, you’re living off the grid.  The man has talent for days.  He boosts team morale by letting everyone sleep with his mom.  What a wingman!  A lot of people are hating on him because of “The Decision”, a way-to-long feature on ESPN hyping his choice to play in Miami.  They could have made the event way more entertaining by letting someone with palsy throw a dart at a map of the United States.  So, LeBron is good at basketball and also kind of a douche.

Dirk Nowitzki

I already wrote a previous entry on Dirk Nowitzki’s high-caliber flopping.  I don’t really like him, but I’ll be damned if you can guard this dude’s turnaround fader.  Dallas is probably going to lose, but Dirk is one of the best players in the NBA without a ring.  I know he weeps about this in private.

Dwyane Wade

Let’s get this out of the way.  That IS NOT how you spell “Dwayne”!  Under no circumstances, other than having a crackhead for a mother, do you come up with that.  Wade is on the receiving end of my hatred solely because LeBron James joined his team.  Outside of that, I like him.

Jason Kidd

He beats his wife.  Who cares about him.

Chris Bosh

Whenever the aliens from Avatar get in machines and come to our world, Chris Bosh is the body they use.  He is also pretty lame and weak.  He lacks game in all general aspects of life.

Jason Terry

He is the Mavericks’ major weapon off the bench.  He can drop threes and facilitate the offense well.  He’s got little tiny ears and wears his headband crooked.

Udonis Haslem

Haslem was on the last Miami Heat championship team.  Thank God they brought him back.  There is no way the Heat win this series without the cornrow-laden power forward on their squad.  I’m just joking.  He’s not really that good and cornrows are lame.  Even Iverson chopped his off.

JJ Barea

I hope this clears everything up.  Enjoy watching the NBA Finals!


2 Responses to “2011 NBA Finals: The Players”

  1. George Young June 22, 2011 at 1:27 PM #

    Im da 1 dat likes Dirk Dallas is ma team U thought theyd loose ur on drugs buddy

    • Chase June 23, 2011 at 12:18 AM #

      Shit, I did say they were probably going to lose in this post. My bad. I am a Spurs fan and can’t stand the Mavs, BUT I was in fact rooting for them to win. I should have had more faith!

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