Six students in every first grade class

25 Jan

Every first grade class is exactly the same.  There’s snot on the clothes, milk comes in a carton, and glue covers the table.  The second graders are bullies and the slide is always backed up like five o-clock traffic.  No matter where you went to school, everything is the same.  Pudding is better than applesauce and Lunchables trumps everything else.  Another constant are the kids in your class.  Sure, there are the normal kids, but then there are a few types of children that seem to inhabit every first grade classroom.  Get ready to nostalgia.

The Cute Girl









Oh, how she brightened the room when she entered.  In first grade, there were not multiple cute girls.  Everyone is still growing into those baby teeth and their coordination is terrible, which makes impressing the boys a daunting task.  Every boy gave her a Valentine’s card (even though it was a G.I. Joe one).  She seemed like she could do no wrong.  She always had one of those names like Cindy, or Sally, or Samantha (the one in my class was Marissa).

and today…









Well, Cindy/Sally/Samantha had a great time in elementary school.  And middle school.  And high school.  She dated the star quarterback and would have won homecoming queen if it wasn’t for “that bitch Jessica”.  Well, it turns out her favorite QB couldn’t make it into the pros.  I know, I’m surprised too.  Now Cindy/Sally/Samantha spends her time managing the busy schedules of her kids, who are just adorable!

The Smelly Kid










You know exactly who I’m talking about.  If you don’t, then brace yourself… it was you.  You sit down in your munchkin chair at the miniaturized table and you can’t help but ask yourself, “Where is that smell coming from?”  Most children don’t know how to self-censor, so that thought was probably out loud.  Then the kid to your left opens his mouth to introduce himself.  Source identified.  Those turd sandwiches you always hear about have to get eaten by someone, right?

and today…










Meet Dr. Smelly Kid, DDS.  His place of business still smells.  Other than his unbearable odor, Smelly Kid was a regular guy.  He had a B average through high school and ended up studying dentistry to understand why it smelled like ass when he spoke.  If only he could avoid talking directly into your mouth.

The Shy Kid








Wait, this kid was in your class?  You don’t remember him at all, do you?  He was the one who never talked and sat towards the front of the class, branding him as unapproachable.  He sat on the swings all recess and never played kickball.  That’s all I have on him.

and today…










Well, he’s not shy anymore.  In fact, he runs a multi-million dollar corporation.  On top of that, he has a series of books and audio tapes aimed at helping individuals become comfortable in their own skin, conquer shyness, and seize the day.  He attends charity events at the Metropolitan Opera and is invited to Diddy’s White Party every year.  His suits are custom-made in far away lands and sadly, he only has ten private jets in his fleet.  I still can’t remember his damn name, though.

The All-Star










First pick in baseball.  First pick in basketball.  First pick in football.  Sure, he wasn’t stellar in the classroom, but that was alright.  What did he want to be when he grew up?  A professional baseball player.  What did he do in his spare time?  Played baseball.  What was his favorite movie?  The Natural.  What was his favorite thing to read?  Sports Illustrated.  This kid wasn’t stopping until he had a bronze bust in Cooperstown.

and today…










Well, it turns out the majors is a fairly exclusive club.  The kid didn’t fulfill his dream.  It wasn’t because of lack of effort, though.  He trained all throughout grade school and got a scholarship to play ball at a top university.  He majored in economics, something he wouldn’t need until the pro clubs didn’t call him up.  He finished his degree and got an entry level position at a solid company.  Now, he’s lead financial advisor for one of the biggest clients and is living comfortably.

The Poor Kid










She didn’t have the shoes that light up when you walk.  She didn’t have ribbons in her hair.  Sometimes she wore the same clothes two days in a row.  Her house was that one the homeowners association wanted condemned.  Her lunch was half a sandwich and an apple.  She walked home.  This girl’s life was a heartbreak and a half.

and today…











What does she do for a living?  She owns shit.

The Kid Who Called the Teacher “Mom”









Boy, that had to be embarrassing.

and today…










Ehh, he’s doing alright.



7 Responses to “Six students in every first grade class”

  1. Michael G. January 25, 2011 at 10:31 PM #

    Hilarious! I love this post!

    • Chase January 27, 2011 at 9:26 PM #

      Thank you very much for reading!

  2. tori January 27, 2011 at 8:24 PM #

    This seriously made my day! I was totally the kid without the lightup shoes. The best I got were those neon plastic “Jellies” sandals. Bummer. Good news is I am doing ok, with socks and shoes for weeks.

    • Chase January 27, 2011 at 9:28 PM #

      You were way ahead of the times, Tori! I mean, Jellies were basically the sparkly predecessors to Crocs.

  3. kathy morris April 11, 2011 at 8:39 PM #

    You, my young friend, rock.
    ‘Nuff said.

    • Chase April 11, 2011 at 8:58 PM #

      Why thank you, Miss Kathy! Glad you liked it.

  4. Kieskneipe July 5, 2011 at 9:33 AM #

    Hi, your blog is good, i have also a blog about “gravel bar”, which is in Germany a kids’s slang and the expression for a bank. It’s funny and there are free checking accounts. Just look a look. Greetings from Germany

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