Why Jean-Claude Van Damme is better than you

30 Aug
Cover of

Cover of Lionheart

Have you ever sat down and thought of the people who are far superior to you in every way?  If you have, I know Jean-Claude Van Damme’s name has come to mind more than one occasion.  I mean, if there was an award for the person that everyone should strive to be, Mr. Van Damme would have a stranglehold on it each year.  The “Muscles From Brussels” fears no man.  His sweat was harvested by the Hebrews to keep their lamps burning through the eight days of Hanukkah.  His movies are works of art on par with that of Pollack and Van Gogh.  Double rainbow, what does it mean?  It means you’ve been graced by the presence of Jean-Claude Van Damme (JCVD).  From Lionheart to Timecop, this man exudes excellence and relentless confidence.  Here is why he is better than all of us.

Bloodsport

Ask anyone with a trace of testosterone running through their veins and they will tell you that this is the manliest movie ever.  It’s the classic tale of the underdog prevailing.  It is supposed to be based on the life of Frank Dux, but everyone is pretty sure he’s a big, fat liar.  Luckily, Van Damme stepped in and portrayed fake Mr. Dux perfectly.  Each fighter that the main character encounters has a different style that he has to overcome.  The tournament comes to a head with JCVD battling a humongous Japanese (Korean?) guy named Chong Li.  Honestly, I think they used CGI to make him more daunting.  I’ve never seen an Asian guy so huge.  In addition to the amazing fight sequences showing off skills unmatched by any mortal, Bloodsport also displays Van Damme’s acting skills.  See for yourself:

Double your pleasure.

He’s too big for one leading role

Van Damme is too big for one part.  His manliness can only be expressed through portraying two characters in one movie.  That’s why he’s had double roles in five of his films.  Eddie Murphy, eat your heart out.  Don’t think that it’s the same sort of double role each time, either.  In Double Impact, he plays two twin brothers that were separated at birth.  In Timecop, he plays the past version of his character (noted by the absence of JCVD’s mullet).  In Replicant, Van Damme’s character is cloned, or “replicated”, and thus played by him a second time.  As you can see, JCVD has enough acting chops for two leading roles, which is two roles more than Steven Seagal has ever been able to manage.  On a related note, Steven Seagal’s ponytail is another indicator of his inferiority to Van Damme, whose locks cannot be caged by a rubber band.

He could still whip your ass

Here’s a picture of Van Damme back in the day:

Now, compare that to a more recent photo of JCVD:

I wouldn’t get on his bad side, even today.  The man is fit.  If I got beaten up by and old dude, though, I’d want it to be him.

His mullet redefines the hairstyle

Van Damme’s mullet is a notch above others.  Not only does he pull off the classic, but he has an oily, curly secondary cut. That’s right, a backup mullet!  No one ever has more than one mullet in their repertoire.  This man is committed to bringing us the best in life, be it repeated shots of the same roundhouse kick or a double dose of a redneck-meets-European hair-do.

The splits

It takes massive power and flexibility to avoid an electrical charge through a puddle of water.  I’d like to see Chuck Norris bust this move in his Wranglers.  It ain’t happening, Walker!

He’s a trooper

This guy sticks with it, no matter what.  At 16, he made his kickboxing debut.  He was stunned by a badass roundhouse kick thrown by his opponent, but he fought through it and eventually won.  He went on to establish an 18-2 kickboxing record before retiring.  Van Damme has also been married five times.  He wanted to conquer marriage so bad that he married the same girl, a bodybuilder, twice.  He fights through adversity.  Who else would continue making Universal Soldier movies after Bill Goldberg had a cameo role?  He has overcome a cocaine addiction and a floundering movie career, but he remains an icon in the masculine world.  As for the reports that Chuck Zito beat him up, that was a sucker punch and everyone knows it.

He’s comfortable enough with his manhood to do this

Are you?

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2 Responses to “Why Jean-Claude Van Damme is better than you”

  1. Koren December 7, 2010 at 5:53 PM #

    funny!

  2. Yogesh Bhalekar January 13, 2011 at 11:23 PM #

    Awesome article.
    Totally agree with you, Van Damme is king.
    He’s a true inspiration, like i’ve jus taken up martial arts coz I wanna have the fighting power and a body like him!!

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