Signs I may become a cool old guy

17 Jul

Old people are awesome, but not in the same ways.  Some senior citizens are cool because they’re so sweet and they know a lot of stuff.  This is fun until they use their powers against you in a Trivial Pursuit game.  Other elder statesmen are cool because of how bitter and mean they are.  It’s fun to see how little some people have cooperated with changing times.  There’s a certain amount of respect that folks like this command.  They have had to deal with hippies, baggy pants, and Justin Bieber.  That’s no easy task.  Recently, I’ve realized that I will probably become a cool old dude for my own reasons.  I don’t know stuff and I can’t bake cookies, but there are some things about me that would be cool if I was wrinkly.

Refusal to suppress burps

The rule has always been the same.  When you’re in company of others, it is not polite to burp (is there an other word for burp?) out loud.  I have decided, in the infinite wisdom of my 23 years, that I don’t like that.  I’ve noticed that I don’t even do it on purpose anymore.  That means it has become a habit.  It could have been the three years that I lived with other college-aged guys, or my lack of caring what others think of me.  Either way, an old dude burping out loud is never not funny.

Punching a kid

I have never hit a kid.  I never will.  I have, however, wished I could.  That, by the way, is worse than just thinking about it.  I have allowed the thought to enter my mind, then entertained it and kind of grinned on the inside.  This makes me sort of a bad person.  But anyway, I’m getting away from myself.  There was a specific time (I just acknowledged that I’ve wished I could hit a kid more than once, then pointed it out with a parenthetical statement), when I was a camp counselor and a fourteen year-old child (definitely old enough to know the following was a bad idea) decided to wake me up by slapping me, albeit softly, on the face.  In Chase’s world, this is a no-no.  I would have given anything to be a teenager again (à la the Zac Efron masterpiece 17 Again), so I could backhand that kid back into his senses, because he was obviously out of his damn mind.  I will reiterate that I did not strike the dude.  Now, how does that point to me being a cool senior?  Well, at my age, I should be expected to be able to beat up a teenager.  However, in fifty years, that would no longer be the case.  If some punk in the future stepped out of line, it would be acceptable for an old dude to knock him down a peg or two.  You’re on notice, jerk teens of the future.

I like rap

In my car, I primarily listen to rock and country, but I have been known to stray.  The rumors that I have referred to a Miley Cyrus tune as “catchy” are false, though.  I do enjoy a good rap song.  In 2010, you’re like “yeah, so?”  Fifty years down the line, rap will be on the oldies station.  Did that just blow your mind?  I don’t know what kind of music future people will listen to, but it’s going to be awesome seeing a bunch of dust-bags jamming out to 50 Cent and Jay-Z.  Add this to the mental image I know you’re conjuring up as you read this: I know all the words to “Straight Outta Compton”.  There is no way that isn’t (I say isn’t, because this will happen at some point) going to be cool as hell.  Ke$ha, however, will still blow in the future.  I’m comfortable that I did not offend any of my readers with that comment.

Cool haircuts

After I’m old and retired, I’ll have no reason to keep up a presentable appearance.  I’m going to experiment with my look.  Think Lady Gaga.

Got any ideas on how else I can be awesome despite the senility?  Post them in the comments space and I’ll expand on them.

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3 Responses to “Signs I may become a cool old guy”

  1. onamatopoeia July 17, 2010 at 8:31 AM #

    Based on the 15 minutes I’ve spent on your blog, it’s safe to assume that you’re just a well-rounded person of awesomness. Therefore, you must’ve watched Courage the Cowardly Dog (back in the day when Cartoon Network was the shit – Dexter’s Lab, Ed Edd and Eddy, Samurai Jack, etc.) at some point in your life, and you know who I’m referring to when I say, “You should be Eustace!”

    That having been said, get yourself one of those big tribal masks he scares Courage with all the time, and tote a grandpa newsboy cap. It might enhance the kid-punching experience, will complement your image of listening to rap, and in the event that you have a disastrous hair mishap at one point or another, the mask and cap will definitely come in handy.

  2. Superpump July 23, 2010 at 3:30 PM #

    Hello, merely a short comment to drop by and express thx to your insights in this post. I somehow discovered your site while searching health related things in Yahoo… guess I sort of lost my focus! Well, I’m off and thanks again for discussing your opinions. I’m going to be back sometime to check out your latest articles. See you later!

  3. bill jackson August 23, 2011 at 3:41 AM #

    Number one requirement to becoming a cool old guy: don’t give a crap about being a cool old guy. You being cool is somebody else’s perception. Doesn’t matter to you either way.

    Now, wanting to be cool is different. Wanting to be cool is all about you.

    Totally normal when you’re 12. In fact, if you’re not worried about coolness when you’re 12, there’s something wrong with you.
    Still normal when you’re 25 or 30.
    Kind of pathetic when you’re 40 or over. By that time you’re supposed to already know who you are and be more or less ok with it.

    So, if you turn out to be a cool old guy, that’s ok. But you won’t give a crap about that.

    Entertaining site, by the way.

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