How Power Rangers ruined my life

26 Jun

We all grew up with our favorite TV shows.  Mine happened to be Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.  Those crazy kids in the colorful jumpsuits kept me occupied after school all the time.  There are certain things that the show taught me.  All of those things were bad.

Racism

Let’s get this one out of the way.  The Red Ranger looked like he could have been Native American, but maybe he was just really tan.  We’ll let that one slide.  The Black Ranger was African-American.  The Yellow Ranger was Asian.  Was this show produced in the 1950s?  There had to have been at least one person that saw this casting and said, “Whoa there, John Rocker!  Let’s put some more thought into this.”  When someone asks what ethnicity the Black Ranger should be, the obvious answer is the most racist.  You should choose the next option.  At least pretend to care.

Chest blows don’t destroy people

The Putty Patrol was the gang of flunkies that the bad guy sent to attack (mildly disturb) the Rangers.  They had a huge breastplate that, when punched or crazy roundhouse corkscrew kicked, would cause the Putty to perish.  First of all, that is a huge design flaw.  That’s an epic fail on par with the Ford Pinto.  If I was some evil warlord, I’d be pissed if R&D came to me with that mess.  Anticipating a similar result when dealing with schoolyard bullies also led to many defeats.

Wrist communicators still don’t exist

What the heck?!  Sony, get on this.  I don’t care if cell phones are better.  I want it.

The Pink Ranger set the bar too high

Many girls got passed over for their inability to do a perfect double somersault to flying axe kick combo. She simply didn’t give the others a chance at my heart.

Playing the flute does not summon robo-dragons

I spent five years of my life perfecting the catchy tune that the Green Ranger used to call his Dragonzord from the sea (or whatever body of water Angel Grove resided on).  All I found was ridicule.  Jethro Tull is literally the only dude that plays the flute.  Thanks a lot, Tommy, for not choosing to bust out an awesome drum solo to raise your Lizard-bot.

There you have it.  Just as Sesame Street has caused complacency in children when dealing with monsters, Power Rangers corrupted me.  Be wary of these Saturday morning charades.  If you want life lessons, turn to the Ninja Turtles.  They’re legit.

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3 Responses to “How Power Rangers ruined my life”

  1. unity73 December 7, 2010 at 12:02 PM #

    This blog is pretty awesome.

  2. kunle peters March 27, 2012 at 2:32 AM #

    Power Rangers is strictly fictional. You do not need to seek scientific justification of the actions and possibiities of the activities of these entertainers. It sure played its role in your life when you couldn’t doubt the reality of their actions. That is what it is still doing in the lives of today’s kids

    • Chase March 27, 2012 at 11:33 PM #

      I appreciate you reading my post on here. I absolutely loved this show growing up and this post is mostly bombastic declarations that I thought would get a laugh. Thanks for reeling me in, though!

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